An Ode To Commitment Phobes: Let Sleeping Things Lie

We were always just passing ones.
Kind of like a spinning rack
Choosing selectively
Who would be the next snack,
But we got comfortable.
Imagining you saw beneath the soil
Laid a precious stone;
A celestial being,
But it was not enough.

Good enough to fuck,
But not good enough to keep.
We are a string of lies
Weaved together
Tied by your fear.
Self seeking in the wrong corners.
We are strung together by tears,
Your prized collection,
A lake of raging sorrows.

Good enough to fuck,
But not good enough to praise.
Our bodies are no recycling bin.
A place to re-empty your
Crippled maze of emotions.
A place to reaffirm
Your sexist, disgusting, misogynist notions.
Many have permitted
Your stunted emotional growth
To determine their worth.

You are scum.
I loathe your slick eloquent and wicked tongue
Doing wondrous things,
Performing love
When it does not know what it even means.

Good enough to fuck,
But not good enough to love.
Do not kindle a single flame
If you have no intention to
Bask in its warmth.
Do not awaken our love;
Why taunt a lioness
In its peaceful sleep.

Haunted by thoughts
Of inadequacy…

Oh hell no!!
You brought this on to us!!
Society failed us.

Do not awaken our love.
Do not awaken our love.
If you have no intention
of following us into an eternity.
Do not awaken our love.
Stay away from us.
We are more than just good enough,
We deem ourselves worthy
Of all we seek –
And not your weak heart.

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Naive

“Your naive to believe that love will be enough”

It was enough for me.

When the little girl me
Woke up with the morning mist
Mourning life
From the arrival of the first ray of light
Til the rise of night
When every breath seemed poisonous
Every act futile
Because the world envied me
Punishing all my good deeds
On my knees
Please grant me peace in this chaotic tyrannical world
Received invisibility and humiliation
At the hands of His creations

Okay so now my faith is abandoned
Where to search?
Little girl me burrowed into her misery
Vast pools of knowledge
Coveted
Not enough for me
So I coveted colourful containers
Containing the trump card to life’s envy
Death.

Death did you envision me?
Did you recognize these dull red-rimmed eyes, these defensive hands and blackened core
It is I
Daughter of death
Necklace of pills
Suffocating my chest
Until I’m empty with nothing left
But life wants me still
Snatching me from the icy coldness of my mother’s breasts

Submerged in mud
No relief
Time has no bearing on me
Sustenance and bonds have no grip on me
Sleep is my precious child
Always near, caressing away my fears
Of feeling
The colours of my soul have drifted into another realm
I am existing.
I am breathing.
But still.
I wait patiently for the day
That my distant mother comes to fetch me
Reunited once more, settling against her cold breasts
So I may be laid to rest.

You Will Not Leave Me

 

9727015b039e97e90216ec675532e510--drawing-artist-sketch-drawing
AudraAuclair_Purpose Print

 

You will not leave me
Like the darkness that creeps
Into the sunlight
You will not leave me
Beautiful black shadows like the night
Your essence carries through the air
Permeating like rain on soil
Filling my lungs
Making me think I am whole

You will not leave me
Though I decompose like matter
Breaking piece by piece
Shattered
You will not leave me
Though I repel you
From heart, body & mind
You follow me wherever I go
Like the breeze in winter time
Your caress soothing yet rough
Like the branches of trees
Your fingertips icy cold
Much like the crashing waves of the seas

At twilight I unknowingly search
Wondering what is amiss
It was the way your laugh lingered
And the emotions evoked from your kiss
You will not leave me
Even as I get drunk on the pain
You will not leave me
Even as my once vibrant red heart
Once expanding
Now bleeding as it withers away

You’re embedded in my thoughts
Feelings I thought foreign
Actions I thought a myth
And
Sentiments that are forgotten
You will not leave me
Even as I tear your world to shreds
You will not leave me
Even as leaving leaves me dead
I have reawakened
As something I can’t recognize
In order to cope
With this unimaginable feeling inside

You will not leave me
You will randomly pop into my day
Unexpectedly
I thought I could run away
But I cannot turn back time
Nor change the pain we caused
Perhaps it was meant to be
You would have to agree
We burnt passionately & fast
Like Galileo’s stars
We burnt out with the breeze

You will not leave me
Like the warmth of the sun
In my dreams
Those eyes I once gazed into
Leaving me mesmerised
It cannot be.

You will not leave me….
Even though you are no longer here.
Steer clear of me
I am the hurricane that loves fiercely
And breaks the compartments of your heart
You will recover.
And restart.
While I bury the remaining compartments of my heart.

The Horcruxes

36850c8a337d81f048197ab2dd53ca1c
Title: Broken. Artwork: Robert Richter.

 

I dissapate into the midnight fog
I am broken into parts of 3
I am broken into parts of 3 multiplied by 3 – I am no longer me.

Who will find me when I have hidden away
Cast away my inner self
When I am lost
Who will recognize where these horcruxes belong
When they are sharp, and deadly
Hard formed frost
Parts of me cannot be separated
And for me to remain to be
There need be connection

Do you no longer see the woman you once loved?
Does this changed image of me frighten you?
Is what I am and what I have to give no longer enough?
For you to want to transform me so
The true and pure parts of my soul
Have flown away and hidden
A faux soulless state of being has replaced
What you found so precious
That you wished to covet it.

You found me desirable, strong, willful and powerful
Until within a year 3 times added
Your thirst for more was renewed
You wished to mould
A once free spirit
Into something of your own
And aware of its adoration
That would hasten to your cause
Leaving her own forsaken.

My love for you blazed a fierce and brazen flame
It bespoke a willingness to go to the ends
And back again.
And so I bend
Tearing myself into horcruxes
So you may be at peace and content.

To Love a Bare Honey pot

honeycomb
Honeycomb_By_Julie_Dillon_Art

Their twisted crooked hands
Thrust
Breaking the barrier of happiness
Crushing it’s core
Before its burst to life
My dreams of reincarnation
DNA created
Are ashes I gather with holy hands
My sacrifice

They scraped at my innermost sanctum
They did not know that I would not break before them
My mother’s soothing voice taught me patience
Her sisters cries taught me pain
I am prepared for the continuation of disappointment

The pot of honey is bare
It cannot bare fruit
I find you staring at my beauty
Is this what being a woman is about?
I have come to and will leave empty-handed
No battle scars or room for growth
I am stunted in the earth
Tree
Grow, grow
Make branches, make leaves
But leave me.                                                                                                                                           I will not go any further.

They said I shall walk the line set out
Long before I came about
Conflicted
Restricted
Once defiant
Now compliant
To protect a love
That mutates into hate and resentment.

At a moments hesitation
I am bound by these soft petals
They caress the barbs of wire
Smooth                                                                                                                                                and they shine in the darkness
Clearing up my vision for my yin
He is mine
I am binded to this soul
Whether it be stable, lost or out of control
I will float where it may go
Overwhelmed by a sense of peace
Turbulent seas that are beautiful but fatal and tragic
Unconditional love.

Do you know what it is to love without condition?

Because I am black [I Am Black]

Because We Are Black
We are thieves
Because We Are Black
We cannot believe in any other god but the one brought by missionaries
Because We Are Black
We are filled with evil intent, lust and greed
Because we are black
We do not bleed
Because we are inferior human beings
Because We Are Black
We are shackled by an oppressive state of being
A colonialised mentality
Because We Are Black
We cannot be free
We cannot breathe
In our land
A land where our inheritance is death, compromise, criminalization and the breaking of the mind

Because We Are Black
We are paraplegics
We believe we are b r o k e n
But we do not stop
Because we know the blood that boils beneath our skin
Is destined for better things
Because We Are Black
Our history tells us we are not victims
We are the spear that soars through the white clouds
Slicing through the wind though it may try to stop us
We are too strong because we know we must fight for where we belong
BecauseWeAreBlack
We join hands and pray together
Because We Are Black
There is nothing we cannot weather
Because We Are Black
We weep when our sisters & brothers are slain
Because We Are Black
We understand each others pain
Because We Are Black
They         will         try        to          divide         us
Because We Are Black                                                                                                                                                                                  We are defiant
Because We Are Black
We ‘deserve’ to be imprisoned because we refuse to be compliant
Because We Are Black                                                                                                                                       To retaliate is treason                                                                                                                                  We Are Black
We need not explain ourselves
You know the reasons

I AM BLACK
I will not be attacked for my skin
I AM BLACK
My children are beautiful because of their melanin
I AM BLACK
I have a raging and proud spirit within
I AM BLACK
I will fight the noble cause of my kin
I AM BLACK
Regal and proud
I AM BLACK
I will not be silenced:  I’ll say it LOUD
I AM BLACK
Filled with the compassion, love & strength of my Mothers

WE ARE BLACK
WE SHOULD NOT FORGET, DISREGARD, DISRESPECT OR NEGLECT ONE ANOTHER.

Because in the end
We Are Black
And We Only Have Each Other.

i-am-black
I Am Black Photo credits: Zama Magwaza

Call Ended

blurred-glass-of-wine
Swimming in dark substances By Zee (Zamile) Magwaza

I called you last night but you didn’t answer

That day I wore a white dress adorning my pitch black kinks with a touch of innocence
This was the first day I met you
Your face
Made my heart palpitate
Beating out of tune slippery hands on a bongo drum
Blood rushing under my skin
Adrenaline rush
Momentarily obscuring the grim darkness within me
My heart sighed at this unseen masterpiece
My eyes would wander
Gaze peeking through these lashes in wonder
But I believed I would not be defiant like I Icharus
Your brightness was not within my reach
Because……
I could list a number of reasons
You had a girlfriend.

I called you last night but you didn’t answer

You would think it was fate
For souls to meet again as if this place was our favourite spot
A predicted destination for the manifestation of our love
I could not yet see myself
I had dealt with my self-hatred
I was steeped waist down in murky waters like quick sand
Fumbling in the darkness finding your hand
You could see through my transparency
You had no guarantee this heart of mine
Would discard it’s brambles, thorns, sharp barbs and bandaged state
Yet you stepped up to me and asked
The encoding to decoding this fortress around my heart
I will not believe
I am not Icharus believing I could capture you only to be burned alive

I called you last night and you….

You see,
You made me see me through new eyes
The vat of flesh on my bones were suddenly curves
And my heart a rose already in bloom
My infuriating sensitivity suddenly adoring care
And I didn’t care that I could not have you
I held on to the hope of fingertips linking as one like man and God
I forgot
Inhabiting a fantasy streaming images even my dreams had not foreseen
I believed I was worthy to be seen
So I discarded my transparency

I tried to call you but….

Familiar shadows are slipping in through the cracks
I
Am
Breaking
Broken
Numb to these old feelings
That woken
When you disappear
One month
In darkness
Suddenly
Illuminated by your presence
No explanation
What a present you are
I told myself
I have every right to disregard
Your lack of remorse
Sweet words filtered through technical devices
Vices for those devoid of emotion
My face tilts towards the warmth of the sunlight
I cannot help it
He is my Icharus

I tried to call but you didn’t answer

That’s okay
The essence of what found you dazzling has gone away
You wicked magician
So much to give but it really was buried and hidden
Deceitful seductress
You showed me kindness
And now I know my worth
You passed the cement to build me up
But now the house is closing in around me
And you’re not there
I’ve decided I no longer want to care
You torturous paradox
You embraced me with strong warm arms and disarmed me
Don’t be alarmed
I watched my love dissapate for you

I tried to call and you didn’t answer
Now I’m glad
You tried to call and I didn’t answer
Now you’re sad.

Poet

Rays of sunlight on my face

illuminating the unknown

Rays of darkness just in case

The heat slices through the bone

Redefined

Not prescribed

Words uttered bad for the mind

Poets easily describe the darkness from which you hide.

SZA
SZA (Solána Rowe) Photographer: Unknown

Life Can’t Be Buttered On Both Sides

The lights ain’t as bright as they seem                                                                                                     Split into two paths                                                                                                                                         Eyes a bit hazy                                                                                                                                                   Future unseen                                                                                                                                                     Conflicted by addictions to afflictions                                                                                                        That slice into heart arteries                                                                                                                          Fulfill your desires or build an empire                                                                                                       That is the question you need to ask

Before the future you envision becomes the past you lost.

Soul-Mate

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Artwork: Root of Civilization Artist: Unknown

The soul that recognizes my own
Has dissipated into the world
Body crumbled and decomposed
Our hearts desires unfulfilled
And now I am alone

I cannot identify none like my own.
These once vibrant eyes have searched through crowds and came up dry
No life to hold
To empty inside to cry
When his soul disappeared from the atmosphere
Traces of mine were difficult to find

Now
My heart has become an introvert
Never searching
Hiding in a cave of fortified walls from the pain and the cold
I approach the world in a passionless condition
Searching for substance in fiery liquid and inquisitive hands that bring addiction to twisted dereliction and numbness.
Searching for him.
Unable to cope.
Dopamine and Mary Jane my new love
Easing the pain
You’ll never leave, you’ll always stay.

My soul mate has dissipated into the night
Traces of our love are not in sight
Irreplaceable heart
Settle to the Earth
Grounded by the natural things you love
Capture a soul who loves you more
And forget all.

No more reminiscing
Just surviving
Finding a way
To forget the pain
From your hurricane of existence
Of being torn from your soul mate.

images
Lost Soul by ThelmaDreams Arthur [DeviantaRt]